A local community is in a state of mild, deeply exhausted bewilderment this week after Pastor Todd Higgins of the Grace Heritage Bible Sanctuary dedicated his entire three-hour Sunday sermon to declaring the popular cultural hashtag #BlackGirlMagic an active, high-level demonic threat.
Higgins, 54, warned his predominantly white congregation that the widespread phrase is not a celebration of resilience or achievement, but rather an incantation being used to destabilize white America.
The controversy began when Higgins noticed the slogan printed on a reusable canvas tote bag at a neighborhood farmer’s market. Paralyzed with theological concern, the pastor reportedly spent the next 48 hours conducting “intensive academic research” on Instagram, eventually concluding that millions of Black women were using otherworldly means aka “Black Girl Magic”, to maintain their youthful appearance.
“We must discern the signs of the times,” Higgins shouted from the pulpit, adjusting his wire-rimmed glasses while gesturing wildly at a PowerPoint slide. “The mainstream media wants you to believe these women possess incredible work ethics and generational talent. But I ask you, how is it that black doesn’t crack without a literal, documented pact with the underworld? It defies physics, it defies nature, and frankly, I rebuke it back to the pits of hell where it came from!”
According to witnesses, the sermon grew increasingly specific as Higgins attempted to break down the “dark geometry” of the hashtag. He warned parents to immediately audit their daughters’ Spotify playlists, claiming that any music produced by certain black female artists contained auditory hexes designed to make young people “uncontrollably confident” and “rebellious against established moral authority structures.” The pastor also took aim at silk hair bonnets, which he confidently classified as “alchemical containment veils” used to brew nocturnal charms.
Local community leaders have responded to the sermon with a mixture of amusement and deep, generational fatigue. “I tried to explain to Pastor Todd that it’s just a metaphor highlighting how we thrive despite systemic barriers,” said local entrepreneur Vanessa Jenkins, who was forced to sit through the sermon after her aunt dragged her to the church. “But he just looked at my earrings, splashed holy water in my general direction, and muttered something about the Salem Witch Trials. Honestly, if my ability to balance a corporate budget and lay my edges flat is literal sorcery, then my hourly rate just doubled.”
Undeterred by the community backlash, Pastor Higgins has announced plans to launch a multi-city “Exorcising the Excellence” tour across the state. The seminars promise to teach families how to spot signs of accidental witchcraft in their neighborhoods, including symptoms such as “unnatural resistance to aging past 35.”
For now, the Grace Heritage Bible Sanctuary has banned all printed tote bags on church property, replacing them with institutional white paper sacks to ensure the congregation remains entirely protected from any appearance of evil.